The Feeling of Being Listened To
As part of the Listening World Summit, I had the opportunity to attend a workshop on deep listening given by a teacher of mine, Mavis Karn, and my friend and colleague Nikon Gormley. Mavis has been "the face of listening" for perhaps 40 years.
Her approach is very simple and turns out very profound.
Link to Mavis on Deep Listening on YouTube: https://youtu.be/BS_vNsolRvo?si=onxU_FdnBeC0sq8m
Link to Nikon and Mavis on Listening on YouTube: https://youtu.be/Uqu4BCumfMs?si=2Af_wKI1_u9EqMTT
There are different types of listening. Each one has its own outcome and so its own purpose, depending. People are very familiar with distracted listening. This is where you are multitasking and maybe hear some or none of what's going on. This often happens to me when I'm driving in the car. A whole song can go by without me really listening to it as I'm busy navigating and actually driving the car. I can also be busy navigating my own thinking while in conversation with another person. And not hear anything of what they are wanting to convey.
Another type of listening is listening to assess. We are listening for agreement or disagreement, what is our opinion, what clever thing can I say next.
You may be like me in having been taught active listening and been told that's what listening is. Active listening is another form of busy listening. We are busy being present with taking in information, reflecting it back and what question can I ask of them? We still aren't actually present with the other person.
There are many other ways to "listen" or not listen as it were. Mavis likes to say "just listen". In all these other forms there is more than one thing going; on we are - listening +. Listening plus thinking, listening plus memorizing, listening plus deciding, listening plus doing another task. None of that is listening, just listening, or deep listening.
In the workshop, Mavis and Nikon had us pair up and take turns speaking about a beloved family member or a favourite book and listening without speaking. Initially the instruction was to just observe. What type of listening am I defaulting to? What are my habits in listening? Notice: where am I? Am I present with my own thoughts, am I distracted, am I bored, am I wanting to jump in with an idea or am I feeling the person and just listening.
At first this kind of only listening can seem like we aren't actually listening because it feels very different from how we are accustomed to listening or what we've been taught listening is. Often, it's described as listening like a rock with ears or listening like a video camera.
Then Mavis asked us how it felt to really truly be listened to. Just listened to. The feeling of being listened to. All the words bouncing around the seminar room as we called them out were variations on peaceful, joy, love, relief, relaxation, connectedness, insight, felt smarter, and felt like they could hear themselves. Then when asked what it felt like to be not listened to, or listened to in a distracted or active manner. All these words were variations of stressed, angry, irritated, pointless, urgent, sad, hard to think, words wouldn't flow, and violent.
In feeling the stark difference between the two, I realized I never wanted to not listen ever again. The exercise was a quick, small thing and people felt the difference so keenly. Can you imagine a long-term relationship where a person didn't feel listened to? or a child? The act of just listening is also very simple. It really doesn't take a lot. All it takes is noticing.
And makes a world's difference to the other person and their world.
Mavis often says "Everybody needs a good listening to".
With Love,
Sara Joy
The Feeling of Being Listened To