Deep Listening
My friend, Katerina Fiserova of the Czech Republic, is the co-founder of The Listening Project. She and her colleague Carolina travel around the Czech Republic giving free workshops on listening. Their workshops have gone viral.
They found that when people began deeply listening first to others in their lives and then secondly to themselves, people's lives began to improve. People relax and enjoy their lives more. Their bodies release tension.
Most people believe they know how to listen or what listening is. The problem with this is that most people have been taught a version of active listening. We strive to listen "for something". When we do that, we are not present with the person or with ourselves. We are present with what we are listening for and our own thoughts.
Deep listening can be described as listening with nothing on your mind or listening like a movie camera. Take them in. Listen like a rock with ears. Listen neutrally.
At first, this type of instruction seems counterintuitive or confusing. What do you mean "listen like a rock with ears"? Rocks don't have ears. Crazy.
As with many things, in actuality, it's the opposite of what we think that is true. Listening with nothing on your mind or deep listening allows for a space of who we are to open up. People settle into a clear mind and find that they can hear and understand much more of what the other person wants to convey.
The person speaking feels heard and seen and so opens up more and more. Space for who they are opens up. The conversation becomes deeper and more heartfelt.
Try the following exercise for yourself. To get the full insight, actually do the exercise without deciding ahead of time what it's going to be like or what you will experience.
First, listen to someone with the intent of listening to correct them. Listen for what they have wrong. Don't say anything, just listen with the filter of where are they not correct.
How does that feel? How did the other person respond? Were you engaged in what they wanted to convey to you? Anything else you noticed?
Next, listen for agreement. This time you agree with everything you hear and you want to hear more of it. Again, don't say anything, just listen with the filter of agreement.
Again, how did you feel? How did they respond? How engaged were you? Anything else you noticed?
Finally, listen like a movie camera. Listen like a rock with ears. Just take them in as they speak.
How did you feel? How did they respond? How engaged were you? Anything else you noticed?
You can play around with this exercise with different listening. Try it out with "active" listening. Try with listening for encouragement, with listening for judgement, listening for your turn to say your piece. And as always, what did you notice?
The extra bonus round is to listen to yourself this way.
With love,
Sara Joy
Deep Listening