The Get Over Yourself Model

The Get Over Yourself Model
 
This excerpt from chapter three of The Relationship Handbook, by George S. Pransky, PhD hits the nail on the head with a lot of relationship problems people ask me about in my coaching work. I will let it speak for itself.  

Getting Over Yourself
Why You Need To Do It

“I don’t understand why it’s my responsibility to get over things rather than my partner’s job not to upset me.”

 
GEORGE’S TAKE
           Early on in our relationship, Linda and I were both involved in the so-called “growth movement”. We were deep into the “How Does That Make You Feel” approach and the “Working Things Out” approach. As a strategy, both of us tried to avoid doing the things that caused unpleasant reactions in the other person.
          We became experts in what upset each other and used this knowledge to alter every aspect of our behavior. Believe me, it was a lot of effort to maintain, and it ultimately made things worse rather than better. Why? Because as we paid more attention to each other’s emotional reactions, these emotional reactions became more visible, plentiful and important. We became more sensitive to each other, finding nonexistent distress in each other’s tones and behaviors. We were like emotional hypochondriacs.
         We couldn’t connect the dots at the time. The strategy we were using was popular in our social circle. Everyone agreed that it was the best way to make a relationship work. Making matters worse, we were judgmental of the couples who were not sensitive to each other’s feelings. To us they seemed like unenlightened brutes!
         So what changed? We saw the possibility that we could get over our emotional reactions regardless of what it was our partners did to “trigger” them. We decided to stop worrying if one of us got upset, and we decided to stop trying to “fix it” when the other person had an emotional reaction.
        The result was amazing! We realized that it was a lot less effort for us to get over our reactions than it was walking on eggshells around the person that we loved. It was a breath of fresh air that I could just be myself and not worry about what was upsetting Linda all the time. This doesn’t mean I would intentionally do things to upset her, but when she did get upset it was not my responsibility to fix it.
 
The Get Over Yourself Model
By requiring your partner to be in charge of your emotional state, you are not only giving them an immense, impossible job, but also disregarding your own power over your thoughts, feelings and emotional reactions. The ‘Get Over Yourself Model’ makes life easier for your relationship. You don’t have to spend time looking for your own sensitivities and avoiding your partner’s sensitivities. You can accept that getting upset, or moody, or resentful is a part of the natural ups and downs of life and doesn’t necessarily mean that something is wrong. Rather than holding on to upsetting feelings, you can spend your time enjoying your partner’s company and relaxing into the relationship.
            When you do get into an emotional reaction, it helps to notice that you have lost your bearings and that any unwanted feelings you are having are temporary. You can remind yourself that it is realistic and beneficial for you to get over your unwanted thoughts and feelings. Nothing wrong or bad is happening; it’s just a natural part of being human.
 
            You’ll find that the ‘Get Over Yourself Model’ has a learning curve. You will get better and better at getting over your emotional reactions and returning to the well-being you had before the reactions occurred. You will also find that your emotional reactions will happen less frequently, for a shorter period of time, and, most importantly, that they will take less of a toll on you when they do happen. In short, you will become more resilient.
            I see getting over myself as not only beneficial to me, but in the service of the relationship. It isn’t so much giving in, as it is not letting your mind get bogged down with negativity and emotional reactions.
 
LINDA’S TAKE
             I used to believe that a person was committed to their state of mind and that it took time to change one’s mind. This meant that when I got upset about something, I would either need the help of someone else to get over my emotional reaction or I would have to wait a long time to feel better.
            Because of this, I often called on George’s compassion to get me over my emotional reactions. When he wasn’t compassionate, I felt stuck in my negative feeling. I realized this wasn’t working for our relationship. I had to start looking at things in a different way. So I looked at the negative thoughts that were causing my emotional reactions, and I asked myself what could be done about it. Could I possibly just get over my reactions by myself without the compassion that I’d always depended on? Could it be possible that I didn’t need George to be a part of my recovery?
 
A Different Way
I was with my seven-year-old granddaughter one day, and we were in the middle of a huge disagreement. She was upset with me because I wouldn’t buy her ice cream, and I was upset with her because she wouldn’t stop whining about it. In the middle of this heated argument, she said to me, “Grandma, let’s forget about it.” In the blink of an eye she completely changed. She went from feeling angry to feeling completely neutral, and I was affected by it. I also went from feeling very upset to feeling neutral. With a big smile on my face, I said, “Sure.” In that split second we were friends again, having a really nice time and enjoying being together.
 
A Better State Of Mind
I didn’t used to believe that a person could change their thinking mid-argument. I learned that when I am able to do this my entire relationship benefits, but, more importantly, it benefits me.
            People are better at working things out through a better state of mind. Thus, George and I are always looking to get to a better feeling, not only because it feels better, but because we think better. When you feel better, you will have better ideas, better solutions and better answers. It’s just righteousness, bullheadedness and attachment to a certain position that makes getting over yourself a struggle.
            People often defend holding on to their anger because they think that if they are feeling really strongly about something, then they must be right. In reality, strong feelings just mean a person is having a strong thought, nothing more. No matter the severity, any state of mind or feeling can, and will, naturally change. I have to say that there is no perfection here, but there is learning and hope.
            George and I are consistently looking for a better feeling in the middle of chaos. It doesn’t always happen, but it happens enough. For example, sometimes in the middle of an argument with George, I will switch from defending myself or trying to prove my point of view, to suddenly not caring about being right. I love it when this happens because George stops being upset, and we both enter into a nice feeling. And when this happens, it is much easier for us to talk through feelings.
            If you get nothing else from this section, I would love for you to see the possibility that you can get over your emotional reactions, even mid-argument. Before understanding how the mind works, I never thought it was possible to have something change so dramatically between two people. All I needed was to see the possibility of change within my own mind, instead of looking to external circumstances and waiting for other people to change. It’s not that circumstances and other people don’t change; it’s just that I found greater happiness when I stopped looking to the outside for direction and began getting over my emotional reactions on my own.


With Love, 

Sara Joy
 

Undoing Triggers Part 2

Undoing Triggers Part 2

Now came the big test! 

Many of you know that I had two bad concussions close together in 2016/2017 and had a lot of symptoms from that injury. What I haven't talked about much is that I still get a very strong fear reaction to sound. It comes and goes. It only seems to be in certain environments. 

Unfortunately, one of those environments is my kitchen. It's very difficult for me to be in my house when someone else is making sound in the kitchen. I've been told it's because I lost certain cells in my inner ear that modulate hearing and that the functions those cells perform won't come back and also can't be compensated for. It's a permanent brain injury. 

It was compared to an amputated limb. I wouldn’t have an arm some of the time and not at other times. If it was gone, it was gone. Didn't seem to be any reason to talk about this if it wasn't going to change. 

Except, I am sensitive to sound some of the time and don't even notice it at other times. Same family, same sounds, same kitchen. Huh. Sometimes the amputated arm works and sometimes not. Curious.

What I noticed with the car accident brake lights experience was that the "brain alerting me" feeling was the exact same as when I started reacting to sounds in my kitchen. Curiouser.

What if I am "only" reacting to an instruction my brain set up because I asked it to? Like a reminder on my cell phone. What if I could undo this one too? And I say "only" in quotes because there's no only about the experience of this reaction to sound. At times it's absolute hell and terrifying. 

I also became aware of a book by Sarah Polley "Run Towards the Danger". She also had a bad concussion and her specialist told her that the way to heal after any traumatic experience or injury was to charge headlong into the very things that seemed to create her symptoms. Now this approach does work and involves a period of "white knuckling" it until you prove to yourself that the danger isn't actually dangerous. 

I realized that we aren't actually afraid of what we think we are afraid of. We are afraid of what we think. This, it turns out, is the secret to effortless change. No "white knuckling" required. 

In thinking we are afraid of a particular experience or aspects of it, we become afraid of ever experiencing anything that feels like it. We start to feel afraid of the idea of something. In reality, there is nothing there and never was. It's all Thought and it can change in an instant. 

On top of that, if we were not afraid or angry about our life experiences then our whole experience of life would change. 

When we don't recognize something as Thought, we react as if it was a real danger. What was new for me is that there are two parts to recognize in a "trigger".  The Thought that sets it up and then in the moment the Thought that creates the fear. We don't need to know what those specific thoughts are, as that can be maddening and without end. Just the awareness that the whole response is being generated internally. We are not the thoughts or thinking, we are the space within which they arise. 

This was enough for me to start experimenting. 

Have you ever started noticing something you do that you had been unaware of previously? Maybe a habit you wanted to change and in the becoming aware of it, it seemed to grow. That's exactly what happened to me. All of a sudden, I was aware of reacting with fear to so much! I had no idea! It felt constant and exhausting. 

However! Don't give up just yet. My perceptions of sound started changing in the moment. The same sound would get really loud and then less loud. Very noticeably. The more I told my brain that something wasn't dangerous and that I didn't need to pay attention to it, the more variable everything became. 

And then up and down. For a week or so, my perception of sound was wonky and unreliable. This was fantastic! It could change. It wasn't supposed to. 

Then I had a whole day where there was lots of sound happening in the kitchen and it sounded normal and not scary at all to me! This was the first time in 8 years! 

I had a few days of up and down fear reactions and sensitivity feelings and then it all vanished. Completely. Holy Crap! 

The bigger picture of this experience is that once I saw what was going on as Thought, it began to shift. More and more insights followed. I realized it could all just disappear. There was nothing tangible there. 

There's a poem I've always loved by French poet, Guillaume Apollinaire. It speaks of possibility and promise. It speaks of wonder. It also speaks to facing your fears. 

Come To the Edge
“Come to the edge," he said.
"We can't, we're afraid!" they responded.
"Come to the edge," he said.
"We can't, we will fall!" they responded.
"Come to the edge," he said.
And so they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.

And so, in running to the danger as it were, we find ourselves instead. 

With Love, 

Sara Joy

Undoing Triggers Part 1

Undoing Triggers Part 1

Most people I work with in transformative conversation are looking for a nicer experience of life for many different reasons. One of those reasons is to get past or undo triggers and phobias. To live without fear. To be more effective in the present moment.

We start from the fact or principle that our experience of life is created by us. Humans use the energy at the heart of life to power thoughts and consciousness into a cogent reality. Essentially, we create our perception of reality and then live in it. This understanding is exceptionally transformative when you see how it works. The simple knowing of how we create means that we can change because we cooked it up in the first place. That said, one area that looks like an exception to this rule for many people is unwanted triggers.

Triggers are commonly understood as a very quick fear or anger response to an outside stimulus based on past experience. People often work very hard to avoid feeling these fear reactions. It can be debilitating. Many people live with them or undergo years of therapy to diminish their effects on their lives. We are commonly afraid of our fear reactions.

It appears that an outside triggering event is causing one's fear and panic. Some people get other neurological symptoms or strong debilitating emotions as a response.

However, we (humans) only ever work one way. Life happens from the inside out. We feel our life experience as we create it in the moment. We aren't actually feeling a past event. We just create the same fear reactions over and over fresh (or not so fresh) in the moment.

Why would I create a thought that is so painful and scary and why would I do it so often?

To answer that question, I'd like to tell you about my recent experience with a small car accident I was in and the new fear that arose for me. And how I deliberately uncreated it.

I was on the highway in November and all of a sudden, the car in front of me came to a dead stop. We weren't going very fast so when I rear-ended them, we weren't hurt very much. There were three cars involved and all three cars were able to be driven away. My wrist and shin hurt for a couple of weeks from stomping on the brakes so hard. None of it felt like a big deal just something to take care of with the insurance and repairs.

I was surprised but not too surprised to notice that I was jumpy the next time I drove on the highway. It would be ok I told myself. Over the next week I noticed that every time I saw brake lights ahead of me, I would overreact. Literally jumping with fright in the car. And to my dismay, it was getting worse. Brake lights on the highway became a very specific fear trigger. I could see this reaction building. I started to plan out trips to avoid the highway. I started to change my life to not have to feel this specific fear.

I did not like this at all! I don't need any new extra fears or triggers!

Then it came to me in a flash of insight.

My brain is asking me in the moment, "Hey there's brake lights ahead, is this dangerous? Or is this something to pay attention to?" Your brain doesn't know what is going on outside of you until you tell it.

The neurology of perception is that our brain and spinal cord gather information, e.g., visual, auditory stimulus, and then integrates it all together to make a picture of "reality". This picture gets compared to what we think about our past experiences. "Oh no! Not brake lights again!". Our "trigger" or awareness of this is literally like an alert or even lighter, as an ask by the brain. Like a checking-in. Hey, this might be something to pay attention to.

When I saw the brake light fear reaction in this light (pun entirely intended), everything changed. I automatically started to notice it, not fear it, and then what came up was that no I don't need to pay extra attention to brake lights. Just normal driving attention.

Over the next week, the reaction lessened and became a response. Until I had no extra response or awareness about brake lights on the highway than was needed to drive normally.

My brain got the message and adjusted my neurology accordingly.

Perception is an inside-out deal.

I later realized that my brain alerting me wasn't in response to a potential danger. Unwittingly, I had the thinking that I needed to pay more attention to cars braking in front of me while driving on the highway. Our neurology takes its "marching orders" from us. I had essentially set a friendly reminder (using Thought) for myself. I want to be more aware and notice cars braking on the highway. That's all that was ever going on!

The original response had actually nothing to do with the accident itself. It was my own desire after the fact to be more attentive while driving. It was all me! It originally felt like I was fighting with myself. I realized that was never happening. I was looking out for myself by reminding myself to be attentive.

Once I became aware that the entire thing, from start to finish, was made of the energy of Thought, it started to fall away. Also, I didn't need to be aware of the specific thoughts involved. I had no idea why that particular response until long after it had naturally and effortlessly fallen away.

The simple awareness that all experience we have is made of Thought from us is enough to undo the experience. We can then use the resource, that's literally at our fingertips all the time, of our deeper nature and rest in the peace of this space.

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion next week in part 2...

With Love,

Sara Joy

The Magic of Noticing

The Magic of Noticing

There is a magic in noticing. 

Mostly, in noticing simply where we are in terms of: are we caught up in our thinking or are we present with ourselves. There is a feeling to both and once you get familiar with yourself, it is quite a distinct difference. 

The feeling of yourself is a calm knowing, a peace, a joy of being alive for no reason, or even a neutral type beingness feeling. The feeling of your thinking has a tension to it. Positive or negative flavoured thinking both have tension in the feeling. Excitement is a positive feeling with tension. Anxiety or fear is a negative feeling with tension. This tension feeling is an indicator that we've moved away from ourselves. It's that simple. 

The moment we notice where we are on this feeling scale, we have quite literally come back to ourselves. Without noticing you would stay caught up in your thinking and never be the wiser. 

In that quick moment of noticing, is a moment of you. It's a moment of awareness. An awareness of your being. You before thought. The deeper you. In that moment, you have the opportunity to notice your aliveness. To notice the energy that runs through you. The energy that is you.

American author John Graves said "You notice. And noticing, you live." 

Dr. Robert Holden, British positive psychologist, calls it "The holy church of noticing". 

Noticing can feel like paying attention to where you are placing your focus. We can and often have many things going on internally at the same time. Random thoughts, habitual thoughts, sensations, perceptions, etc... and underneath it all is a deeper sense of who you are and always have been before all the rest. Noticing is placing your attention there. Noticing is taking note of the times when the deeper you surfaces and brings you back to yourself. Just for a moment, stay with it. Hold still. Be present. Just now. Notice that you may have that experience more and more and perhaps for longer and longer. 

At a recent workshop, a woman from Ireland was talking about how she couldn't get to the feeling of herself because it was behind her habitual stress feelings. She could see her own aliveness as if through a cloud of stress. However, she only felt and lived in the stress. She completely transformed, in a second, when she noticed that she could place her focus on the deeper feelings always present behind the stressful feelings. As she got more comfortable with focusing on what felt good, the stress feelings dissipated on their own. Remember about the self-cleaning blender from last week?  Noticing is one of the mechanisms by which the blender of our thought system cleans itself.  

For me, it was and still is an allowing myself to focus on who I always am before thought and placing my attention and focus on the peace feeling rather than a negative feeling. And then the deeper feelings grow. Trust me, they really do.

With Love, 

Sara Joy

The Self-Cleaning Blender of Deeper Feelings

The Self-Cleaning Blender of Deeper Feelings

In my work with people, I talk a lot about how we are designed and how effortless change happens. Humans are fascinating. I realized that I now have 4 separate certifications in the field of human transformation spanning 26 years. That's just how fascinating I find people.  

Recently in our podcast, We Go Deep with Kat and Sara, I had a conversation with Dr. Kathleen Perry about how our default design is to create thinking in the moment and then clear it out automatically when no longer needed. The more we are aware of how we function naturally, the easier life gets. We can move with our natural abilities and rhythms rather than unknowingly fighting against them. 

Humans are magnificently designed. Our system tells us when to eat, when to drink water, and when to sleep. Many other functions are just taken care of. Our hearts beat faithfully twenty-four-seven for our whole lives. That's a lot of muscle contractions and muscle relaxations. It's a lot of calcium binding and unbinding on a cellular level. Our eyes automatically dilate and contract our pupils to bring in the optimal amount of light and they quickly (almost instantly) refocus the lens at a variety of distances depending on what we glance at. Different genes turn on and others turn off to start or stop making various proteins depending on our environment, our thoughts, and our chemistry. We are marvelously designed.  

Our thought system is also designed elegantly. It's no different than the rest of our body. It's like a blender and we get to blend up anything we like. However, we generally think that we are stuck with our usual tried and true recipes. We also think that we have to clean out the blender if we want something new. Many people think that it might be hard to clean out the blender. That it takes a long time or that it's a complicated process to clean out the blender of our thought system. The opposite is actually true. Turns out, when we see that we are actually the ones operating the blender, it's immensely transformative. Equally transformational is the realization that the blender is self-cleaning. 

Wait! What?!? Self? Cleaning?! 

All my life I thought I had to work to clear my mind. To relax. To be at peace. Not to mention all the hundreds of processes, practices, and tricks to defeat habits of thought. These are just more variations of blending up new concoctions in the blender. 

Self-Cleaning!!! 

I wish my kitchen was self-cleaning. I did notice though that my cat is self-cleaning. Leave him alone for long enough and he magically becomes soft, shiny, and clean without me having to do anything at all.  The same is true of the blender of our thought systems.

We monitor our thought systems and pounce on them the moment they come out of the cat box with a bit of dirt on them. Like a cat, all that's needed is to leave them alone and not keep putting more dirt on top. Or stop blending.

By nature, our default base state is peace. It can feel like contentment, peace of mind, relief, joy, love. These are all what I call "deeper feelings". They are the feeling of being at rest. The feeling of not actively blending up a thought mixture. The feeling of you.

We, as humans, are self-cleaning blenders of deeper feelings. We are designed to blend up cool smoothies as needed and then leave it alone.  A whole brand spanking new, sparkling clean, shiny blender is ready to go for the next adventure. We return to our natural state of deeper feelings if we leave ourselves alone. All we need to do is notice so we can stop blending when we are done with the smoothie.  

With love,
Sara Joy

Would You Like to Be Inspired More of the Time?

Would You Like to Be Inspired More of the Time?
Or
Two Uses of the Mind

Most people have had the experience of the feeling of overthinking. The feeling of forcing something into being or forcing a solution to a problem and not getting anywhere. It's a tight tension-filled feeling, like your skin is on too tight and you just need to get out or get a higher perspective.  Often, I interpret that feeling as a need to double down on trying, on focusing, on getting into the details. As if pushing harder would cause inspiration to come. 

I have found that the exact opposite is true. Inspiration and creativity come when we stop trying. Often people "give up on a problem" and the answer comes in the shower or just as they are falling asleep. I heard a story about a large corporation that used "management by ski lift". If an employee was stuck on a problem and not seeing possibilities, they would be encouraged to take the day off and go skiing. More often than not the answer they were seeking would come on the ski lift. It became a joke and an actual strategy within the company. 

This is because there are two different uses of the human mind. They both have features and characteristics and reasons to use them. The problem is that we overuse one of these "modes" and try to force output from it that it's not designed for. 

We don't commonly understand what these two uses of the mind are and how they work so we innocently misuse them. We expect new and fresh insight to come from grinding through memory and analysis of details. This is not where creativity lies. 

The first use of the mind is our logical thinking brain. We could call this our personal thinking. It’s the collection of thoughts that we think using the Universal energy of Thought. This collection of thoughts creates how we perceive reality.  Our thoughts become our perceptions. Is a sound loud? Maybe. I happen to know that if you think a sound is loud and annoying it becomes louder and more annoying in your perceptions. I do it all the time. This use of the mind is what we train in school, when we look to debate a topic, give five reasons supporting our decision, or when we want to do a repetitive task. It's very useful because if we had to figure out all over again how to open a door every time we encountered one it would take a lot longer to get around in our day. There are a lot of thought groupings we use to navigate our daily lives to make often repeated tasks (laundry) quicker. This use of the mind goes to our memory to access information and does it very quickly. How do I run the dishwasher? How does one drive a car? Do I like sweet and sour chicken balls or chop suey? (My vote is for the chop suey, every time).

The second use of the human mind is our connection to the energy at the heart of all life. Scottish mystic, Sydney Banks, called this energy of life "Mind" or "Divine Mind". It's the energy that sprouts acorns into oak trees, the energy that shines the stars, and the energy that beats our hearts. Everyone has experienced an idea just popping into their mind or inspiration that comes out of the blue. 

It can be experienced in the very commonplace trying to answer a question, going quickly to our memory, and having nothing come up. Commonly, people respond to this experience by saying "I don't know" and looking for the answer outside of themselves.  However, if we stay with our question or creative pursuit for longer and sit in the unknown. Stay with the "I don't know" feeling by holding it lightly. Get on the ski lift of Universal Mind. 

This allows the second use of the human mind to kick in. It can seem slower than the first use or more subtle, quieter. The more you use it, the more obvious it gets. It's often talked about as something mysterious or esoteric. Intuition. I just knew even though I couldn't have. I don’t know how I knew; I just did. The story downloaded into my brain. The poem wrote itself. I relaxed and you know what? That music doesn't seem so loud and annoying anymore. 

We vastly overuse the logical mode of the mind and vastly underuse the intuitive connected inspired use of the mind.

Our natural flow state uses this "mode" of the mind. Athletes. Writers. When you cook good food. Looking into a baby's eyes. We drop into our flow mode so often without noticing. When we enjoy something, savour something. All that is required is to notice where we are. Are we using our mind with a tight feeling in the body? Then we are likely trying to use the logical mind or personal thinking for a purpose it's not built for. Are we using our mind with a flow feeling? Then we are in our natural "second" use of the mind. 

If you have access to small children you can watch them be present and flow along with ease as they play and explore in the world. Adults can also operate this way. We never lose it. Perhaps just get a bit out of practice. It's just there waiting for you. 


With Love, 

Sara Joy

Two Sources of Energy

Two Sources of Energy

There are two sources of energy that we have access to as human beings.

The first one is our physical energy or body energy. This is a limited and yet also renewable resource. It's limited by how much we eat and how well we sleep. If we exercise, we have more. If we exercise too much, we have less. It's renewable because our bodies are designed to renew and heal. Every morning when we wake up, we have a new allotment of energy. During the day when we eat food that fuels our body and when we allow our body to rest, we gain energy. It's a bit like a video game where you navigate around getting treasures and energy. Or running around and expending your collected energy having adventures.

The other source of energy available to us as human beings is the unlimited energy of the Universe. We are surrounded and swimming in the energy of life at all times. It's what our body is made of. It's what fuels inspiration, creativity, joy, love, and those ideas that come to you out of the blue. Our natural state is being connected to the energy at the heart of life. It fuels the feeling of aliveness.

You may have experienced a time when you were tired from the day and then as you quieted down for the night inspiration struck! All of a sudden, energy flows through your whole body and you are compelled up and into action. You create without a sense of time until it's done with you. Then you rest.

You may have experienced not having a whole lot on your mind and just feeling happy for no reason. There is a quiet energy in this. My daughter told me this morning "Mummy, I felt so happy at school yesterday for NO REASON!" lol. Yes.

These are a couple of examples of when we don't have a lot on our minds, we naturally start using a different source of energy. We feel naturally relaxed and energized. Our bodies switch from running on battery to running on being plugged into the mains. We are in natural flow.

Another analogy is that it's like being online versus offline. When we are offline, we have access to what is loaded on our computer system versus access to all the content and experiences on the internet.

Our system is designed to run on the internet of the Universal Intelligence. We can run for a while on our renewable body energy only.

Given the choice, I'll take the effortlessness of the energy of the Universe.

With love,

Sara Joy

Bandwidth

Bandwidth

What is bandwidth? In internet terms, it's the amount of capacity for information carrying that our computer or internet service has. How much information can our system handle per minute. 

This term can also be applied to our personal capacity in any moment. 

There are three general approaches I've seen to increasing our bandwidth in order to get more done in a day or simply be more content and not feel overwhelmed with everything. 

The first approach looks to increase our overall capacity. This is like buying more bandwidth from an internet provider or upgrading to fiber. It can take the form of physical practices like meditating, exercising, drinking more coffee, going for a walk, motivating yourself with stern talking to's or energy drinks. 

This approach can rev us up and in the short term make it look like we have more bandwidth until you burn yourself out. 

The second approach understands that what we have going on in our heads takes up a lot of our natural bandwidth and looks to dump it out or clear it in an effort to then free up some of that mental and physical bandwidth. This approach might look like awareness and mindset practices. Replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts. Affirmations. Perhaps meditation. 

The third approach is understanding how we are designed to function and relaxing into that. We are designed to return back to full bandwidth after using it up. We use up our bandwidth by focusing on tasks we are doing, by thinking about things that are not currently happening, by all the mental chatter that goes on, when we are physically tired, and when we are distracted by things. This might sound like "Oh no! I have so much going on all the time! I'll never get that bandwidth back!" What we don't realize is the only problem lies in our misunderstanding of how we use thought and thinking. 

What we have going for us is that we are always operating on a full clear perfect divine bandwidth and the only reason we don't always feel like it is our thinking muddying it up. When people have an understanding of how thinking works, they realize that nothing needs to be done. Thinking is a flow and if left to its own devices will keep on flowing allowing the clear fresh bandwidth to be available for clear fresh ideas. 

If personal bandwidth was like bars on your cell phone for how much connectivity we have, how many bars are you right now as you read this? One bar? Two? or all the way up to five? The bar scale goes to five in my imaginary bandwidth measuring scale. We kinda know in any moment how clear we are. One and two feel tense and scattered, maybe angry. Three feels pretty neutral, four and five feel energized and good. Throughout your day check in every now and then and see How many bars? The simple act of noticing where you are triggers our inborn mechanism to clear our bandwidth. All that's needed is to notice and let your design bring you back to clarity.  

With love,
Sara Joy

Deep Listening

Deep Listening
 
My friend, Katerina Fiserova of the Czech Republic, is the co-founder of The Listening Project. She and her colleague Carolina travel around the Czech Republic giving free workshops on listening. Their workshops have gone viral.
 
They found that when people began deeply listening first to others in their lives and then secondly to themselves, people's lives began to improve. People relax and enjoy their lives more. Their bodies release tension.
 
Most people believe they know how to listen or what listening is. The problem with this is that most people have been taught a version of active listening. We strive to listen "for something". When we do that, we are not present with the person or with ourselves. We are present with what we are listening for and our own thoughts.
 
Deep listening can be described as listening with nothing on your mind or listening like a movie camera. Take them in. Listen like a rock with ears. Listen neutrally.
 
At first, this type of instruction seems counterintuitive or confusing. What do you mean "listen like a rock with ears"? Rocks don't have ears. Crazy.
 
As with many things, in actuality, it's the opposite of what we think that is true. Listening with nothing on your mind or deep listening allows for a space of who we are to open up. People settle into a clear mind and find that they can hear and understand much more of what the other person wants to convey.
 
The person speaking feels heard and seen and so opens up more and more. Space for who they are opens up. The conversation becomes deeper and more heartfelt.
 
Try the following exercise for yourself. To get the full insight, actually do the exercise without deciding ahead of time what it's going to be like or what you will experience.
 
First, listen to someone with the intent of listening to correct them. Listen for what they have wrong. Don't say anything, just listen with the filter of where are they not correct.
 
How does that feel? How did the other person respond? Were you engaged in what they wanted to convey to you? Anything else you noticed?
 
Next, listen for agreement. This time you agree with everything you hear and you want to hear more of it. Again, don't say anything, just listen with the filter of agreement.
 
Again, how did you feel? How did they respond? How engaged were you? Anything else you noticed?
 
Finally, listen like a movie camera. Listen like a rock with ears. Just take them in as they speak.
 
How did you feel? How did they respond? How engaged were you? Anything else you noticed?
 
You can play around with this exercise with different listening. Try it out with "active" listening. Try with listening for encouragement, with listening for judgement, listening for your turn to say your piece. And as always, what did you notice?
 
The extra bonus round is to listen to yourself this way.

With love, 
Sara Joy

Oprah Said It

Oprah Said It

The basis of the coaching and the chiropractic work that I do is that we are powerful creators in the world. If you want to know what you have been creating, look at your life, without judgement. The results of where you place your attention and what you are creating for yourself are in the life you are living. In this short video, Oprah hits the nail on the head about creating. Getting clear on what you want, moving in that direction, and then the forces of life rise up to meet you. The Universe conspires with you to create your vision in the world. Pretty cool, eh?

Watch Oprah tell it here:

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/aF_a--8gVOk

The coaching work I do spends a lot of time looking at being clear about what is it that we actually want. People often have a lot of beliefs and thinking in the way of their clear wanting for themselves and their lives. We often think what we want isn't possible or only for other people. One of the most powerful things in the world is being absolutely clear about the direction you want to go in and starting that journey.

Once a person knows what they want, we look at the forces of life. There are really only 3 principles or forces of life that govern how things work. There's an energy at the heart of all life and we are made of it. As is everything else. We are aware of ourselves and this energy of life. We have the ability to use this energy as a creative force in the world. 

Knowing what you want comes first and is the most important aspect of any endeavour. With clarity, the forces of life will rise up to meet you. And not only because Oprah said so.

With love,
Sara Joy